I want to go back

I want to go back in time. 

– I want to go back to when I was 20 years old, going to Western in Bellingham and live in a dorm instead of off campus in an apartment by myself. I probably would have enjoyed college more.

– I want to go back to when I returned from Western and started working at Target and use the money that I earned to put a down payment on a small house instead of buying a new car and a cool CD player for the car.

– I want to go back to when I  quit a very good job at a technology company and NOT go to work for the law firm in Seattle.  I might still have hair if that happened.

– I want to go back when I was in my late teens and spend more time with my grandparents.  I miss them.

– I want to go back to when my divorce was going on and hire a lawyer.  Maybe I wouldn’t have been financially ruined instead of taking the high road.

– I want to go back and tell people who heard one side of my divorce story to hear the other side of the story.  Their minds might change.

– I want to go back in time and spend less time dealing with things that ultimately didn’t matter and pay attention to those things that actually did matter.

– I want to go back in time and get a degree.  A degree that makes me an employable person in the real world.  Instead of muddling my way through life.

– I want to go back five years and re-think whether taking over two failing businesses was the right move.

– I want to back to when I was working for Buttonware and the developers offered to teach me to code in C++.  I didn’t have the time.  Sure wish now I had taken the time.

– I want to go back in time to when I was living in the small house in Edmonds.  To make the decision NOT to move to a larger, more expensive house and just be content with what we had at the time.

– I want to go back to a time where I didn’t constantly worry about money.  There was a time in my life where that was the case.  I miss that.

But I can’t go back. I can only move forward.  I can only learn from the mistakes I’ve made (and I’ve made quite a few) and do my best to move forward. 

Life’s funny.  When you are going through good times, it’s easy to not see that there will also be bad times.  When you go through difficult times, it’s hard to see that there will be good times again sometime down the road. 

I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had.  I’m happy with the place I am at at this point, love my wife, love my kids.

But there are so many things I would change, given the opportunity.  But that is just wishful thinking.  The time is now to move forward, do the best I can, and try to live a life where I take care of those people who depend on me.

I promise them I’m doing my best, even when I fall down.